A story that reveals the importance of valuing the Person of Jesus, more than his gift:
Many years ago, in 2005, I was going through a very rough time emotionally. During that time I was invited by a friend to a weekend conference for intercessors who were quite powerful in spirit. The friend ended up not going, so here I was, in a state of brokenness and depression, at a conference for the spiritually mature, and knowing no one there. On my way there (to Hermanus) I contemplated just turning my steering wheel sideways and driving off the cliff into the sea. It was not the first suicidal thought I had during that time. Fortunately I kept my cool long enough to get to safety. Long story short, those ladies prayed for me like few others had until that time, and I received some inner healing and freedom to carry on. At one point, one of them (Carmen) stood in front of me, tears running down her face, with a golden cross (a pendant for a necklace) in her hand. She told me that it was a very precious gift that someone gave to her, gave me the background, and then said that God told her right there and then to give it to me. They removed the cheap jewellery from my neck and threw it in the bin (I didn’t have a choice), and she gave me the cross. I will never forget the look on her face, how painful it was to her to give that cross away to someone she had just met, to some “broken person who attended the wrong conference for where she was at in her spiritual life”. But I also remember wondering over the years, if God would ever expect such a thing from me, to give something so precious away while it is hurting so much that you cry over it. I had hoped that He wouldn’t.
A few months ago, one day while I was
somewhere between awake and sleeping, a vision popped into my mind of me giving
my most precious and expensive piece of jewellery to someone who has not added
any value to my life. I don’t mean it in a nasty way. It is just that I have
reached out to this person (who is poor in every way) and helped and tried to help her
in a number of ways, without getting or expecting anything in return. She has not
done me wrong, but I did feel that she considered me good enough to help her in
practical ways but she has shown little to no interest in building relationship
with me for the emotional and spiritual value I can add to her life, which she
desperately needs. Someone who wants to know you for what you can give and do
for them, but is not interested in knowing your heart, only uses you. So, upon
“seeing” this vision, I immediately discarded it as a very bad one.
After a few months the thought
started making its way back into my conscious mind. I tried my best to shake it
off, but it kept creeping up on me, presenting itself as a thought from God.
Anyone who knows me well will know that I always try my best to be obedient to
the voice of the Holy Spirit and I have done some crazy obeying over the years,
doing things that others will deem foolish. Well, even to my mind, this was a
foolish thought, if ever there was one. For weeks I tried my best to reason the
thought away, even arguing with the voice in my heart, hoping that it was not
the voice of Holy Spirit, but struggling to deny it... One day I said something
to Him about this being some test, when He answered “It is not a test”. This usually means that He is serious and that
this is real life and that there is no way out. The problem I have if I don’t
obey, is that I am at a place in my walk with God where I don’t have the luxury
of claiming immaturity or ignorance or any kind of excuse for not obeying. I am
living a life of faith, including faith for even my most basic needs. I don’t
earn a salary, and so while I am doing what He has instructed me to do, I am
fully dependent on Him (through his chosen vessels – other people) providing
for me in every way. If I don’t obey Him, who knows what consequences will come
to me? I have come too far in my walk with God to risk being hindered or
delayed towards deeper intimacy with Him and towards my destiny, because of an
act of disobedience. Then there are Biblical stories that have the power to
haunt one, such as that of Moses who was not allowed to enter the Promised Land
because of one act of disobedience, or the Israelites who were not allowed to
enter because of their grumbling and complaining. Another time when I was awake
in the middle of the night, I felt God was saying that us people have absolutely
nothing that did not originate from Him, yet when He asks one to give something
to another, we don’t want to do it, just like small children who sometimes
don’t want to even share their candy with a brother or sister, even though the parent,
the provider, asks them to.
Those who know me well will also know
that during the times I have had enough to give, I was always giving. I gave my
tithes to the church, I supported missionaries and orphans, and mostly gave as I
was led to give (I missed windows of opportunity here and there). I remember
twice paying for international flights for friends and once for a local one
(all for Kingdom purposes), and other times gave expensive gifts. Always when traveling overseas, I brought back gifts to family and friends. I have given
away many thousands of hard earned Rands. So the problem is not that I have a
heart that is unwilling to give. The problem is that, in my mind, the gift
doesn’t match the value I feel I have in the eyes of the receiver. It feels as
if I have given up so much already (for e.g. in financial ‘security’ and
independence, time, effort, comfort and luxury) for the sake of the Kingdom,
and other times lost things or people precious to me, which makes me feel quite
unwilling to give up something I have treasured so much to someone who doesn’t
deserve (in my eyes) to receive it from me, especially since she did not
respond to my efforts to build relationship.
While I was working in Taiwan in
2012, my mother wanted me to try and find pearls of great value there. The most
valuable kind of pearls is the most round and smooth ones. I found such pearls
and ordered two rather long strings, one for my mother and one for me. It was
the most expensive single piece of clothing / accessory I have ever bought
myself or anyone else, and nothing more beautiful. It is so beautiful and
valuable that it just doesn’t look right with ordinary every day clothes, the
kind that I usually wear. As a result I have worn it very seldom, and only on
special occasions where I had opportunity to dress up. But even just owning it,
and knowing it was kept safe in a jewellery box, made me feel valued. Since I’m
not the kind of girl who has ever spent much on “bling” for myself, this string
of pearls was really outstanding. But when I realised that the Holy Spirit was
on my case to give it away, I suddenly tried to find opportunities to wear it
more often, and so I did wear it to church a number of times, since those are
mostly my only opportunities to dress up a little bit these days. I wore it
expecting compliments, but no compliments came.
Again, those who know me well know
that I have walked on difficult faith journeys for as long as I have known God
and it has been hard. There are some things I have been trusting God for, for at
least two decades, things that He has promised and were prophesied, things that
have not materialised even way long after I thought it should’ve, some of which
are too personal to talk about on a public platform. Not only have those
promises and expectations not been fulfilled, but as time progressed, it felt
as if I lost more and more what I valued in this life. Whatever I gained,
seemed to be spiritual only, which of course is of inexpressibly greater and
eternal value, but it would be nice if I could at long last enjoy some things
that I have never had, which most people have and take for granted. The journey
of faith has become much longer and harder than I have ever anticipated, but if
you have come this far, there is no turning back and undoing all that you have
already left or lost for the sake of following Jesus. I simply have to keep
doing what He has called me to do, and live in the way He wants me to live. I
have to finish the race of life He has enrolled me in. It is too late for me to
try and live a life that looks like someone else’s, trying to fit in and be
“normal”. I will never be satisfied with just looking “normal” for the sake of
“fitting in” and not being judged by people for my unusual life “choices”. And
if I choose what some people think I should, I will probably die of depression
caused by a feeling of failing in my God-given pursuit of my destiny. Ten years
ago I continuously fell into cycles of depression because I didn’t “fit in”,
until God told me one day, (based on the story of Elijah calling Elisha to
follow him) “if you want to fit in, you
are not worthy of following Me on this journey”. What seems to others as
normal options, are not options that He is allowing me to have and I know that
I am sometimes judged by people for my decisions, but I mostly only have the
decision to obey or not. I am on a very
specific path, and even received a prophecy in 2010 about the very specific
path He has me on.
So, on this journey, being much
harder and way much longer than I had anticipated, at this point in time I
really don’t have it in me anymore to carry on much longer without some relief
in the form of fulfilled promises. I cannot adequately describe my desire to be
able to say “aaaah, at long last, a much deserved holiday”. For the past 9
years I have been living like a nomad, never quite feeling at home and settled.
I have been living without a regular salary for three years, and although the
Lord always provides in some way or another in my most basic needs (because I
am doing what He has called me to do), because of financial restraints there have been many things I have not been
able to enjoy like I see family and friends
often do. On top of that, in the last year only I have lost a healthy knee and
with it being physically active, which is possibly my greatest loss ever,
having always been the sporty kind. I have also lost dear friends who moved
away (although I have gained others), my parents’ house (lots of sentimental
value), and my cats (which hurt more than anyone really knows). So, I would’ve
preferred to hold on to some of the little bit of luxury I still have, which in
this case is the most beautiful string of pearls, and definitely not “lose” it
to someone that doesn’t seem to value me in the way I am able to add real
value. Previously I had the most beautiful silver and gold Fossil watch which I
bought in the US in 2003, which was stolen in 2012, and still when I think
about it, I wish I was able to replace it. Last week (the last week of October)
I had a dream of a huge open truck, loaded fully with the ashes of everything I
experienced as loss throughout my life. I was woken up by my spirit and led to
pray that I should cut myself loose from those things I have lost. I did that,
even though I didn’t want to acknowledge to myself that some things I will
never get back. So, I really, really did not want to let go of this piece of
fine jewellery. I didn’t even want to journal in this time, which I often do,
writing what I feel Holy Spirit is speaking to me, for fear that it would make
his instructions final and undeniable.
But the Holy Spirit wanted me to give
it. So, eventually I decided to make a plan to manipulate the situation to see
if I can keep my pearls through some clever God-allowed scheming. “Wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove”. I
decided to find clothes I hardly wear anymore or could live without and cheaper
jewellery in my closet and ask the lady if she wanted to have it. I was going
to lay out about ten pieces of cheaper jewellery (made of small sea shells or
beads etc), amongst which would be the pearls, and tell her to choose five
strings. I would then tell her beforehand that God wants me to give a specific
string, but I will let her choose, and if she chooses that string, then I will
ask her to only borrow it for a while, because maybe He just wants to deliver a
message to her in a tangible way, such as that He really loves and values her.
So she chose the pearls amongst others... and when she scooped it up along with
the others without looking and adoring it for one second longer than all the
rest, as if it was just another string of cheap jewellery, my heart throbbed in
my throat, and I couldn’t let it go... I told her that that was the string that
I felt God wanted me to give, but could she please only borrow it and give it
back whenever she feels ready. What a relief I felt when she decided not to
take it at all, saying “you are not yet
done with it”. I responded only with the thought “I will never be ‘done’ with it”. She left happily with a bag full
of stuff I valued less than the pearls (and almost all of the jewellery – she
liked more than five strings, so she took it, without apology). What shocked me the most, was that I
realised she had absolutely no understanding and appreciation for the great
difference in value between the pearls and the cheap jewellery. There was no
emotion of awe on her face, of shock that I would want to give something so
expensive away so easily, no emotion of “wow,
do you really want to give it to ME?”. I think that if she were knowledgeable
and aware of the value of the pearls, and greatly amazed that I would want to
give it to her, there could’ve been a chance that I would let go of it.
But since there was clearly no indication of appreciating its value, I couldn’t
get it over my heart to let it go...
I was glad that I still had my
pearls, but the only problem was, I didn’t feel the release from the Holy
Spirit. My scheming didn’t impress Him. At one point during all my reasoning
with Holy Spirit, I said “thank You for
releasing me from this instruction”. He answered “I didn’t release you”.... Ugh...
So, for the first time ever in my 23
years of knowing Him, I tried to bargain with Him. I tried all sorts of
reasoning to get out of this. If Moses could reason with God to spare the
Israelites when they made the calf, so could I. If my friend could make a deal
with God, which she successfully did according to her testimony, and change His
mind about something, so could I. Or I would say to Him “fulfil only one of the promises You gave me, and I will do it; I have
sacrificed enough – it is Your turn to fulfil a promise in my life”. Or “give me a supernatural experience with You like
no other I have had, and I will do it”. Or “speak to me audibly, and I will do it”. Or “send someone who will tell me in exact words to do what I hear You are
telling me to do, and I will do it”. One time one of my pastors even asked
from the “pulpit” “if there are people
who know they are being disobedient to the voice of the Holy Spirit, come
forward” (to confess and repent). I went, but did not change my mind. One
time before a prayer meeting I made up my mind to obey the next day, but right
after the prayer meeting I reversed my decision again! I even asked a friend to
ask God for me if I were being disobedient, hoping that it was the devil
tormenting me, so that he could just be chased away, but He wouldn’t answer her
question and showed her nothing about my situation. And then another pastor
would come and pray for me and, without knowing anything, would say “the Lord says ‘you are faithful and
obedient, and it’s all I want’”, after which I would hear his voice echo in
my mind “you are obedient; that is who
you are; act according to who you are and be obedient”. And then I would
try and drown out that voice with some kind of reasoning. This sort of
reasoning went on for weeks. One day while I was reasoning with Him again, He said "why do you limit Me like this?" I back-chatted Him, "I'm not limiting You..." and tried to think of something to prove Him wrong, but failed. Those who know me know how much I love God and
the presence of the Holy Spirit, so for me to speak to God in this way is
extremely unusual. Very few times in my life did I get angry at Him;
heartbroken over his choices for me - many times, but angry and arrogant -
very seldom. I felt that perhaps God wanted my level of trust in Him to
increase, and my releasing the pearls would do it. I felt that perhaps He
wanted me to get to a higher level of obedience, because He wanted to entrust
greater spiritual responsibility to me. And I ‘coincidentally’ read something I
have written myself, perhaps last year sometime, about the sacrifices of the
Old Covenant. I wrote that the
sacrifices were to God like a sweet smelling aroma, not because He likes the
death of an animal, but because of what it cost the person who brought the
sacrifice. A person’s obedience shows the value he has placed in God. And when
you give a gift to someone, the value of that gift is determined by how much it
hurt you to give it, even if only in Rands (or Dollars), i.e. how many
hours you had to work to be able to afford to give it.
Eventually, this past Friday, 1
November 2019, we had a conference at church and Vance Murphy from the US
addressed us. He spoke about Acts 2:42, a verse I know very well and have spent
time in writing and advocating that we should follow the example of the early
church (See my blog post: “Let’s bring back the love feasts!” - 2017). He also
spoke about bringing the first fruits to the house of God, and about Ananias
and Sapphira falling down dead after lying to the Holy Spirit and to the
apostles. That was enough to put the fear of God back into me! I could not
disobey Him any longer. I realised that I “coincidentally” had the pearls in my
vehicle that night, and in an instant felt that I should “hand it over” to a
very specific “elder”, someone from whom I have received much spiritual
treasures over the past three years, someone who values me and loves me and
have given of her time to me and many others. If I was going to let go of the
pearls, let it at least be to someone who deserves to have it (in my eyes). After
the preaching we were called to the front for individual ministry by the
visiting team from the US. The power of the Holy Spirit was visibly and tangibly
present. As I was sitting there, I started crying. I cried, and cried - loudly,
like a child... it was as if all the
feelings of loss that I have recently been experiencing, those which I had not yet
cried over, suddenly surfaced, along with the thought of letting go of the
pearls. I also felt that I had only a window of opportunity with no room for
disobedience this time around. So I hurried to get it from my vehicle, and if I
could run, I would’ve. I went to sit next to the “elder” on the red carpet in
front of the “pulpit”, still crying, and fighting the tears to be able to talk.
I explained to her that God wanted me to give it, and that I couldn’t give it
to the one I first felt He directed me to. In a sense I was relieved that God
allowed me this option, one that I felt peace about, and one that was easier to
obey, since there is an appreciation of each other’s value between us. In that
moment I didn’t know if I was to give it to her to personally wear, or for her
to just keep it for a while, or sell it, or give it to someone else that God
would point out to her. All I knew was that I couldn’t have it in my possession
any longer. It had become a hurdle in my relationship with Holy Spirit and it
robbed me of my peace. So she sat with me for a while, praying in tongues,
until I calmed down. I went back to my seat, thinking over what had happened,
but felt a definite relief and that I did the right thing. I also felt led to lie
on the floor, flat on my stomach and asked God to wash me clean of all the
disobedience during the past number of months or weeks – I don’t even know how
long it took me to get to this point. I strongly felt his presence and knew I
was clean.
Later she came to me and said the
first understandable words (not in tongues) since I gave her the pearls (in a
black velvet sachet). She had not yet opened it. She said “I don’t know what you gave to me, but I kept on hearing this word
‘upgrade, upgrade, upgrade’ and I saw the Lord mixing something (like in a bowl)
and mixed in there is the pain that you are feeling, but it is like a fragrant offering to Him and He says
that He is going to give you your heart's desire – open heavens...” And at those words
“open heavens” I released a loud cry
from relief and joy in hearing that God is answering my prayers, because
despite all the material losses I have felt, my heart’s greatest desire, even
above all the promises I still need to see fulfilled, is to go deeper and
higher in relationship with the Lord than ever before, to walk in my spiritual
destiny and to move forward and upwards, even though in the natural it looks
like I am not progressing in any way materially. Most of my prayers and
thoughts over the past months have revolved around this theme: breaking through
and ascending higher spiritually, and most people did not know this, the
“elder” included. So this was the best news that the “elder” could give me at
that point in time!
That night I struggled to fall
asleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about the value of those pearls, and tried to
understand why I cried so much having to give up something so earthly and so
temporary. I realised only then that it represented all of the uncontrolled losses
over the years. In giving that to Him (because I really gave it to Him and not
to a person), I demonstrated that He is still more important to me than having
earthly riches, and that I will continue to obey Him (eventually!) even when it
hurts.
In my mind I was explaining to the “elder”
why the pearls were so valuable to me. The next evening at the conference,
during worship, I realised why it was important to me to have the “elder”
understand the value of the pearls, and how the Lord used this whole incident
to give me greater revelation of the role of the cross in his relationship with
human beings. He needed me to write about it in the book that I am busy
completing (of which the intercessor ladies at the conference in Hermanus in
2005 prophesied!). Someone who gives something of personal value away needs to
see a sign of appreciation from the person who received the gift. The giver
then feels valued as a person and is likely to continue giving gifts to that
specific receiver. The receiver therefore needs to understand the value of what
was given, in order to show appreciation appropriately, relative to the value
of the gift. Even the appropriate facial
expression and choice of words can be enough. And the lack thereof can make a
huge difference in the attitude of the giver, causing him to say “I’m not giving anything to him ever again”.
My unwillingness to immediately obey
the Holy Spirit definitely does not represent the character of Jesus, and I am
reminded of the words of Jesus, explaining how difficult it is for rich people
to enter into heaven (Matt.19:24). I am a 100% sure that my relationship with
the Lord would’ve been halted and stagnated if I didn’t obey Him in letting go
of the pearls.
But I believe my unwillingness to
give to someone who had no interest in knowing my heart, but only in what I can
give, definitely represents God’s way of responding to such people. I was created
in his image and since it is important to Him that we seek Him for relationship
and not only for what comes from his hand, it is important to me as well.
I have heard it said and being taught
that, because Jesus died on the cross, all of humankind will be saved, whether
in this life or the next. In this life people just need to “become aware” of
the fact that they are already one with their Creator, and that any sense of
separation is only an illusion and not the real truth. Others say that because
Jesus was the “Lamb that was slain before the creation of the world”, no one in
all of history was ever really lost. In the end all of us will arrive in the
same place, which is heaven. It would’ve been nice for those who never chose
Jesus in this life, to receive eternal life anyway, and I am sure that if it
was like that, us who chose Him in this life, would’ve accepted his choice to
save all of mankind, whether they believed or not, because at least we would’ve
still enjoyed knowing Him in this life already. But the problem is that nowhere
in Scripture is it taught that this will be the case. To believe that people
will be saved irrespective of what they believe about Him and how they respond
as a result of their faith, is making Him a liar, and who wants to have a lord
and king that is a liar (Matt.7:19-23)? It is very clear in Scripture that the
separation between mankind and God was and is very real and only personal faith
in and union with Jesus can heal that separation wound. I elaborate on this
greatly in my book, exploring most of the relevant passages of Scripture from
Genesis to Revelation.
Through this story of the pearls, the
Lord highlighted a truth that was revealed to me before. It is a truth of great
importance and it therefore needs to be preached in this day and age. This is a
summary of his message through the story of Him that I am writing: The cross and resurrection is not a
transaction, but an invitation to a wedding celebration and everlasting Life
with the Saviour of our souls. Those who have treated it over the centuries
as a transaction, tend to preach that it is because of the cross that we are
set free. Technically this is not the whole truth. What happened through the
cross and resurrection was meant to reveal to us the character of God in the
most dramatic way possible, in order for
us to be able to see clearly and therefore make the right choice. We were
meant to see the extent, the greatness of his Mercy, the full value which could
only be witnessed and understood when He extended forgiveness to the ones who
killed his Son. At the cross, the greatest Mercy was revealed in the face of
the greatest sin, which is the rejection and killing of the Son of God. The greatest
Light was seen against the backdrop of the greatest darkness. The invitation is
this: “Understand the value of the Gift I
am giving you, the Gift of Mercy and Life, which is embodied in the death of My
Son. Then, make the choice to accept the
Gift, and come, have Life. Like a bride to the Bridegroom, you have the
choice to say ‘yes’ to My Son.” The cross happened and was meant to benefit
all of mankind; therefore we say that “Jesus died for all”. BUT, not all people
receive the free Gift of Mercy, Forgiveness and Life that is offered in
the package of Jesus Christ. The covenant that God made with mankind has always
been based on his Love and Mercy, and our choice to respond in faith. So,
the truth is that it is because of OUR FAITH in the cross and resurrection of
Jesus Christ that we CAN be set free. Our faith is the sign that the Father is
looking for, the sign of appreciation and acknowledgment of the value of Jesus
Christ. It hurt the Father immensely to give up his Son in order to reveal to
us his Mercy. The value of his Gift to us is immeasurable. If we don’t give Him
the sign that we value Him, the Gift, we CANNOT have the Gift! The Father will not give his most treasured Pearl to the one who will not show appreciation by way of FAITH, which is proven by actions that follow faith (refer back to Jesus’
words in Matt.7, and also according to what James teaches –James 2:14, 17-18, 20-26).
And after we have come to faith in
Jesus initially, and keep on valuing Him, which is shown in our obedience to
Him (He said “if you love Me, you will
obey Me”- John.14:15;23-24), He will continue to give us more heavenly
gifts, for example as He told me, “open
heavens”. The person who treats Jesus in a way to only try and get from Him
what He can give and do, as if He were a genie in a lamp, will receive nothing
of real value from Him. What He wants from us is a response that shows our
appreciation of his value, a response of desire for union and intimacy with
Him. What we will continue to receive as a result of the correct response is of
far greater value than anything this world can offer.
Will we sell (or give away) our
“pearls of great price” in order to have Him, our Pearl of Great Price
(Matt.13:45-46).
The revelation that I received
through my act of obedience (thanks to his persistence and patience with me!)
is of greater value than a string of the best pearls, especially if it will
inspire people to greater intimacy with the One who deserves that we give Him
our very best!
What will happen to the pearls? I am
so glad it is out of my hands. But after all of this, its value increased even
more…
To be continued....
(I continued writing the next day)
This morning (5 Nov) I felt that I
wanted to lie at the feet of Jesus again. I thought about the pearls again. I
thought of how pearls are formed when a grain of sand or some other foreign
object enters an oyster, and the oyster produces a pearl around it. I thought
of my broken and non-aligned kneecap and wiring (a literal foreign object) in
my knee and hope that it has somehow produced a beautiful pearl in me that I
can worship Jesus with, which is represented by one of the pearls in that
string. I realised that there were many difficult, challenging and painful
times in my life and each one of them is represented by a pearl on that string.
Each time we face a challenge, or heartache, or a loss, or pain, or whatever it
is, when we take it to Jesus and allow Him to work with us in that situation, an
invisible beautiful pearl is created. So, this morning, through my tears, I
said to Him “You alone are worthy of my
pearls. I’ve given them to You because You alone are worthy of them. I worship
You with all the pearls You have created in me. I return them to You as
worship. It is all for You and for Your glory. Do with them what You want. They
are Yours as I am Yours.”
